I was pondering the urge to cause offense, as well as my general irritation with (and personal prejudices about) the bluenose crowd, when the notion came to me of a song with limerick lyrics that increasingly pushed an audience member beyond their breaking point.

So this song is what happened when I took seeds of well-known limericks and went to town.

I know that the line between humor and harm is controversial, and important. I tend to make my in-groupness clear when it exists, so as not to inadvertently seem to give license to abuse (when I make or report certain comments). That said, the notion behind a limerick is not to indict all men from Nantucket, for example, or all members of all acrobat troupes (or all barracudae). I am not from Cape Cod; it has just been a traditional location for limericks because it conveniently rhymed with the likes of “sod” back in the day when many of these poems were written by authors on the East Coast of of the United States. Limericks aren’t intended to harm, and I would enjoy limericks written about people from the city of Eugene in that same spirit of affection.

(And yes, the title “Untainted Love” did occur to me.)

Lyrics

Let's keep this song taint free and clean

    by spurning all matters obscene.

We'll say naught profane

    to goose the mundane

    so you'll just have to guess what we mean.

(Um... I dunno about this.)

There once was a man from Nantucket

    who wrought something lewd with a bucket.

I cannot say what

    for decency but

    you could say he wanted to fuss with it.

(Whoa! That was close.)

Well, if that’s just too crude for you,

    here comes limerick number two.

You've heard of the nun from Regina

    whose nethers we know of none finer.

She won't tell you why

    cuz she's really quite shy

    when it comes to her holy va… ows.

(Watch it!)

Well, if that’s just vulgarity,

    let’s try limerick number three.

An acrobat troupe in Bermuda

    was charming a rude barracuda.

With consensuous swish

    that magnificent fish

    granted wishes of nude interlude-ah.

(Hey, you went too far!)

Well, if that’s just a bit hardcore,

    how ‘bout limerick number four.

A gerontophile in Miami

    had dreams that made her hands clammy.

Oh give her a home

    where the gray bastards roam

    for a bit o’ the ol’ grammy whammy.

(I’m distinctly uncomfortable now!)

Well, if that just a deep nosedive,

    try out limerick number five.

A sheep soaked his pee-pee in wine

    and had such a lovely ol' time...

(That's it! Stop the limericks! No sheepy pee-pees! Gosh darn it!)

Let's keep this song taint free and clean

    by spurning all matters obscene.

We'll say naught profane

    to goose the mundane

    so you'll just have to guess what we mean.

You bluenosed, buggery ol' sod!

You probably come from Cape Cod.

(Actually, I’m from Souther Tucker.)