What if Love

While my parents were supportive of me and my brother, they were nontrivially abusive. I largely understand why because I know quite a bit about what had happened to them; in comparison, I know that some people have grown up enjoying very constructive relationships with their parents, or so they tell me, and I have no reason to doubt them.

In addition, I am who I am, and would not wish away my divergence; nonetheless, I also sometimes wonder what it might have been like to have grown up not quite so different… maybe even just 2 or 3 standard deviations instead of 5 or 6.

I do not wish that my life had actually been different, as this specific path has led to joys and wonders that I would not risk changing (as in the movie About Time); however, I still mull over the possibilities, as that can inform decisions about my navigation into the future.

Taken all together, I wonder how love might have been different in my life, and – more importantly – how it might be different.

With this song, I am still experimenting with styles. A couple of early versions were okay, but they were more like a much older style of ballad, and ended up having a sort of bard-like sound; in fact, the one with the male lead sounded too plaintive and pretentious… too full of himself. (The name “Joshua Mourn-Steadley” came to mind.) I made another version that I liked better, and then ended up remastering that one to create the song that is linked above.

Lyrics

What would life be like,

with loving parents?

What would love feel like,

with a normal brain?

What would life be like,

with loving partners?

What would love feel like,

if I were more, sane?

Would it be like you?

How do I run?

How do I fight?

Where is the sun?

Where is the light?

Must life always be

so alone?

Must I always be

utterly sad?

Must love always be

so unknown?

Must I always be

desperately mad?

A soul full of questions,

my heart always asks.

Who will see me?

Who will hear me?

Who will feel me?

Who will heal me?

Where is love?

Love

Who is love?

Love

A life with love

Love

I pray for love

Love

Please

Spirit

I beg for love

Please

Spirit

Even one fleeting moment,

of a life with love.

Must life always be

so alone?

Must I always be

utterly sad?

Must love always be

so unknown?

Must I always be

desperately mad?

A soul full of questions,

my heart always asks.

Who will see me?

Who will hear me?

Who will feel me?

Who will heal me?

Where is love?

Love

Who is love?

Love

A life with love

Love

I pray for love

Love

Please

Spirit,

I beg for love.

Please

Spirit

Even one fleeting moment,

of a life with love.

Will love be like you?